you’re ok. you don’t have to try as hard as you do. I love you
Not like one of those times where i get upset just because im an idiot, and not because i want attention, im actually kind of freaking out and questioning everything about my relationship and how people see me and what that means and if its all just one big joke that someone isnt letting me in on because im that pathetic. I know i sound pathetic but its what im thinking. You cant prove emotions and you cant force someone to feel something and ever if they do feel it you cant judge it or measure it or see if its jus lying or confused. Im freaking out. I cant trust what i know and its really scarring me.
If anyone can do it i can, but brandons not sure if its a good idea or not. He says if i put as much energy into dojng that as i did design then id have a job by now. He also says he supports me no matter what, but he doesnt know how helpless i feel knowing he wants to move out with me but cant because i dont have any income. I dont need to do it forever but its basically the perfect part time job. Even if i do it i wont be starting until im done at grandpas but, idk i just feel like its not a bad idea. Even if i do end up getting a design job i can still do both very easily. I just think id be a lot happier doing that then working in this fucking mall for the rest of my life regardless of what happens in the design world. Its just an idea though. Brandon looks really tired from work and i definitely dont want to get as worn out as he is. Then again they might have a cream to make him feel more energized haha. Or maybe im just cranky because im halfway through working 18 days in a row. Blah. Oh well. Only 9 more weeks on summer then hopefully i can get to fresh an my life will be set :) then i can do arbonne for fun :P
eye to eye we face our fears, unarmed on the battlefield
I mean i still want a bike, but other than that im not worried or scared about anything anymore. Brandon and i had a really good talk tonight and all my doubts about the next few months and the future are now gone. Im really grateful for the small bits of time we do get together. Hes my whole life.
I feel like brandon is always annoyed by me. I miss him like crazy every single day and i love spending time with him but lately i feel like such a burden and i know i shouldnt but i can help it. It just seems like i do so many little things that end up pissing him off. It totally made my birthday super weird. Im glad weve had the space over the last four days but he still doesnt want to see me for a whole other day now. Which i shouldnt complain about because god knows when we do hang out on tuesday we’ll go look at this car he wants and then be bored for the rest of the day. Which obviously leads me to feeling bad because im wasting his time off and keeping him trapped on this island even though i try to convince him theres nothing to do anywhere, its not just here.
I want to buy a bike but i havent found the right one yet. Theres a white one at canadian tire i really like but its white. I want a pink cruiser and if i cant find a pink one id very happily settle for a yellow one. I just want an excuse to be more fit this summer but i hate the thought of looking fat on a bike. I loved it in quebec because i didnt have to wear a helmet and better yet i didnt know anyone so i didnt care if i looked stupid or fat. I was just worries about gettin sunburnt. I just want to find a reasonably priced pink or yellow cruiser that i can fit in the back of my car and hopefully i will get in slightly better shape this summer and lose a few pounds.
I talked to jess today about the new job. Which is actually blowing my mind. 10 years ago this summer will mark when i started working at the cottages. In 10 years ive had 10 different jobs if you count fresh media and the two different positions at cows. 11 if you count calum. Which will be going on our 5th year in the fall. Anywho so i asked jess what my hours will be like for the summer and its exactly what i was hoping for. I really cant wait until i can blow stitches off. I actually have 11 hours next week since lauras leaving. Wowza hittin the big time again. Im just so tired of all of bonnies bullshit. Its goin to be her and kayla and zak stuck there forever pretending they love what theyre doing. Well im going to make a shit ton of money this summer. Im going to pile through the next 15ish weeks to the best of my ability and come out with so many savings to buy my house. I know im going to hate myself all summer for being stuck working, but ive had jobs over the last 10 years and have almost nothing to show for it. I mean i paid for japan and the 200$ tv i got when we moved in here but thats it. A purse collection!? Thousands of dollars spent on gas driving people around when they dont even want to hang out with me anymore!? I just cant wait to save it all, and get porktober in the fall and get myself a home :) then i can exercise without my family making fun of me and i can eat healthy food. I wont have to listen to my sister and mother go on about upei and i can visit rooms other than my bedroom. It will be amazing.
I did get a little mini job at vogue optical for design. God i hate typing all this out on my phone, at least its making me tired. Yeah so im super nervous about that but im starting to get some good ideas and put them together so thats exciting. …ish.
Im just tired of being worried. What i i can never move out because i cant get a good enough job!? What if this summer sucks because ill never get to see anyone or have time for myself and i go crazy again like i did before clair de lune closed!? Clearly i need to get some sleep now that i got all my worries out. Well im sure im missing some but they can wait.
i absolutely love this so much
zak was talking a lot last night about how he plans on moving so he can go to dal. i dont see how people can just leave so easily. and then i feel bad because i know how badly brandon wants to leave. i just really dont want to go to halifax. id rather bc. at least victoria is an island. People leave the island all the time and dont even think about it. Like dani and spencer going to malta. Id love to do that with brandon but te difference is it would be organized for us and its only for 9 months. i just cant help feel like id be wasting my life. i know money isnt everything but rent is so expensive on pei, if we ever rented anywhere else is would be way more, and if we did end up renting then we wouldnt have any money for a house. then wed never have a home or be able to settle down. I’m just scared that brandon will end up resenting me if i keep him here, but he has a good job and im so close to starting off my career, i just dont want him to have any regrets. im thrilled weve found each other so young and it would kill me if we ever ended it, but i dont want to hold him back from what he wants in life. especially when i change my mind every other day. i really want something different but im not sure if that is what the something different would be. im just tired of having these stupid mental breakdowns about nothing. i know what i want, i just dont know if im willing to actually go for it.
Obviously im not pregnant and its not going to happen for a long time, but i dont want to wait. Everyone i have on facebook is moving out and getting married an having kids and i feel like theyre idiots because theres no way they are financially ready for it but im jealous because they do it anyway, and they have help. Ive found the person i want to spend the rest of my life with and im glad we’re doing everything in order, but its hard to watch other people do this and take these steps when theyre so young. Its all ive wanted since i was 5. My kindergarten grad video proves it.
but i do it every day. i used to want to be like the characters i admire but they go though so much pain. its amazing the actors dont just die from sadness. so i guess this is just me hoping that i never experience what they go through, because if i lost brandon, even for a minute, im not sure what id do. #desperategirlfriendfreakingoutovernothingasusualbutitdoesntmatter,atleastitsnotontwitter
nothing in life is better, really.
today marks 2.5/5 weeks at fresh. getting nervous. i dont expect them to be like “omg you did great stay forever” but im starting to get more nervous that maybe in the end they wont think i did such a great job. what if something ends up happening that i completely screw everyone up and can never have a career on pei!? i know im being crazy but this is the first night ive had to myself in 2.5 weeks so the worry is just sinking in now.
and i need money. i would really like to put every nickel im making from PEIBL into my TFSA account, but im going to need to pay my car stuff in two months, plus we still have the dallas trip before that, and my visa still isnt paid off from the silverstein trip! the extra cal-money ill be getting soon will be amazing and i cant believe thats happening, but the thought of only having that and stitches paychecks this time next month in really putting me down. just checked the job bank (which i discovered is completely done over, looking good) and there is nothing as usual. i mean last time it worked because melody came to me but still. im just getting worried all over again. brandon and i are planning, well i think im more so planning, on moving out in the next year, by then he should have a car and enough money to match or almost match my TFSA so we can buy our trailer, but not unless i get a job first so we can actually afford it after we move in! i know im putting a lot of extra pressure on myself, but it is a lot to handle. the future freaks my out…